From the Sacrificial Altar of the Concubine of Isis
by ittykat
Summary: "How does that saying go?" Evy mutters to herself, and struggles against the bonds holding her down, twisting her wrists this way and that... "Fool me once... Fool me twice..."


_Oh not this again!_ she thinks to herself as she wakes up strapped to a concrete slab, dressed in the same ceremonial robes as the last time.

"How does that saying go?" Evy mutters to herself, and struggles against the bonds holding her down, twisting her wrists this way and that... "Fool me once... Fool me twice..."

The bonds do not give in at all to her manipulations, and she cannot hold in the groan of frustration. She drops her head back against the sacrificial table and sighs. "That's it. I'm never reading Ancient Egyptian out loud ever again. Rick is going to kill me."

There is a dramatic swirl of black fabric and a swirl of dusty sand that signals the return of her captor. At least this particular villain is a known element, all things considered. When Rick finally finds her he won't have too much trouble vanquishing the ancient priest back to the depths of hell.

Imhotep glides towards her, with a long slender silver dagger held in his hand. It looks remarkably like the dagger of Osiris, if the description she read of it in the Book of the Dead was accurate. He grasps the hilt of it with both hands in front of his chest, and begins to chant in ancient Egyptian.

"_Gods Of The Underworld, Hear My Words And Obey._" he says, and his voice rumbles with authority and power. Evy can't help but think that if you're going to speak to the gods like that, figures who should command nothing short of awe and respect, then honestly you deserve whatever you have coming for you.

Which should be Rick with a very large shotgun and the Amulet of Thoth in about two minutes.

She hopes.

Or else she'll make it her mission to haunt ihim/i from the afterlife.

Imhotep continues on gravely, and the air around her begins to vibrate with ancient magic. "_I Offer To You The Soul Of This Concubine of Isis In Exchange For The Soul Of My Beloved Anck-Su-Namun, She Who Is Holy And Without Fault._"

It is all Evy can do to choke back a chortle, and at that she is rather unsuccessful- it comes out as more an undignified snort, and it has nothing to do with the fact he called her a Concubine of Isis. The snort is unladylike enough and disruptive enough to break the High Priest's concentration, and he bestows upon her a rather withering look.

"_Are you kidding me?_" She asks him in her best sarcastic ancient Egyptian, which is rusty, and full of strange idioms she has never quite been able to grasp. The only way she had been able to explain that particular one to Alex had been in his own slang terms, and it was a very poor translation. A more direct translation of the idiom would be: 'How dare you attempt to pass off this bit of painted clay as a holy scarab beetle.' and that didn't quite have the same pithy ring to it.

Either way it gets his attention, and seems to knock a bit of the wind out of his sails. It bolsters her and gives her the courage to question his motives further. This will at least give Rick a bit more time to get here, as he seems to be running fashionably late this rescue.

"_Without fault? The last time you saw her she abandoned you to die in the fiery pits of hell, and here you are trying to resurrect her again?_" She says, propping herself up as best she can while still restrained. "_I hope you're doing this so that you can have a proper conversation about where you both stand in this relationship._"

"_She Is My Beloved, It Is Our Destiny To Be Together Forever._" Imhotep says, and he turns his nose up at her in the exact way that Alex (and Jonathan, for that matter) does when he knows he has been caught out in the logic of his thinking.

"Oh pish posh." She says, and waves her hand dismissively, despite them being immobilised. "_Have a little self respect. You love her more than she ever loved you. You were the forbidden fruit for her and she wanted a taste. You were both caught and were murdered for your indiscretion. That's hardly an epic love story for the ages._"

She hopes that he is not too confused by the biblical reference, but she seems to have his attention now, so she decides to press her advantage and set out a proper argument for him as to why he should give the priestess. "_Not that I think that that was a fair or just course of events for either of you, and I know that I should be aware of my historical biases and not expect you to behave or act in line with that of the modern man but, well. She left you to die. Perhaps you should just leave her to her death, wherever she is is probably quite a good enough place for her at present, and use this opportunity to get to know_ you_. Get out of Egypt, see the world. Perhaps learn a modern language so I don't have to keep murdering ancient Egyptian just to get my message across."_

It is then that she wonders if perhaps she has gone a little far. Her little speech hadn't exactly been what you'd call _sensitive_, and honestly quite a bit silly. Encouraging an ancient, resurrected Mummy to leave his revenge for the moment so that he could _see the world?_! Evelyn Carnahan O'Connell, what were you thinking of? Where could he possibly go, what on earth would he do?

_"And then.._." She stammers on, in a lame attempt to round it all out in such a way that is as little mortifying as possible. "_If you still decide you want to spend eternity with her then you can get about all this business of killing me to resurrect her, or at least find someone else to sacrifice whose husband isn't quite so tenacious in the field of Mummy vanquishing._"

Speaking of her husband, she would really appreciate a rescue right about now. Or for Imhotep to continue on with his incantation- anything to break the awkward silence that now spreads through this sacrificial chamber, as the undead high-priest continues to stare at her as though she had grown a second head.

But of course, his timing is quite off today. She shall have to have a chat with _him_ about that later. If she gets the opportunity.

Imhotep stares at her coldly, his expression void of anything that might indicate her idiotic rambling had had any affect whatsoever on her fate.

"Oh just kill me." She mutters at the Mummy, and turns to face the opposite wall, not particularly wanting to look her death in the eye. She's had enough of that for one lifetime. "I am quite done with this whole debacle."

The vibrations in the air return and the fabric of his ceremonial robes fans out in billowing, dramatic swirls, as he holds the dagger high above his head... swings down... and...

Clink.

The manacles that held her wrists and ankles in place snap open, and she whips her head around... but Imhotep is gone. Vanished. As though he were never here.

Rick chooses that moment to burst through the cavern door, as predicted, with shotgun in one hand and Amulet of Thoth in the other. He waves his gun into every corner of the room, eyes wide and wild. Evy pushes herself up into a seated position.

"Where is he?" Rick demands, rushing to her and enveloping her in a bone-crushing hug. "Is he here? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." She mumbles into her husband's dirty shirt, and if she clings a little to his shoulders it's only a natural response to being happy to see him, rather than any mortification she might feel. "He disappeared, just a moment ago."

"Quick, put this on." Rick says, and thrusts the Amulet of Thoth at her. It's a chunky, ugly thing, and it's the last thing she really wants pressed around her neck, but it is supposed to have protective properties and all that and so she can hardly protest it on aesthetic grounds. "If he comes back he won't be able to get you."

"Actually," Evy says. "I think he might be gone this time."

"Did you banish him? Was it that spell you discovered?"

For a second she debates whether or not she should explain everything, but suspects that it probably wouldn't be particularly believable to her no-nonsense husband. And she isn't exactly sure herself what happened. Perhaps her speech convinced the Mummy to give up the ghost and go out and see the world, or perhaps he had heard her husband barrelling down the hallway and had decided to get out before he could be killed once more. Either way, she's safe now that the Amulet of Thoth is around her neck. The old stories say that it hides the wearer from evil, so Imhotep shouldn't be able to track her down.

"After a fashion." She replies eventually, deciding that she'll keep this one to herself. It's about time someone gave that fellow the benefit of the doubt, and after spending eternity pining over that useless bint of a woman, the man deserves a break. Even if he is an evil Mummy.

"Let's go home, Rick." Evy says, and hops off the slab and into the arms of her beloved, the man who'll always find her, and who she is sure loves her every bit as much as she loves him.

A few months later, a letter arrives for her in the mail. The postmark indicates it came from somewhere in Africa, but the specific address has been smudged. But there is no letter in the envelope, just a photograph. The Mummy looks almost handsome when he smiles.

She smiles and hides it in the Book of the Dead. No one in this family reads that book anymore.


End file.
